If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

People who say they are perfect have already proven themselves wrong.

Death is a once in a lifetime experience.

If you can't make it good, at least make it look good.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy.

Things are the way things are only to the people who see them that way.

Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

There is no distance on this earth as far away as yesterday.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

Happiness is a path, not a destination.

Seven days without laughter makes one weak.

When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.

Diapers and politicians need to be changed often for the same reasons.

67.9% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

Only adults have difficulty with child proof caps.

The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.

If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3% ?

Friends are like backbones. If you don't have them, you cannot stand.

Travel the world over in search of what you need, then return home to find it.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of its students.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.